Blog Post #8 - Ethnography Revisions

               While reviewing the rough draft of my ethnography essay, the first major revision that will improve my paper is the descriptive content that is presented to the reader about the physical space of the Johnson Center Gym. In this particular paragraph, I gave long and descriptive details about the appearance and sounds of the gym. While this gives a vivid picture and some background information for the reader, some of the content isn't necessary since it may not connect to the central argument of my paper. If I do keep some of these sentences in the paragraph, I will connect how those aspects can contribute towards gender discrimination. This was pointed out by Ms. Hoy and will improve the focus of the content.  

                A second important addition I will need to make to my paper will require adding meaningful transitions. Most of my paragraphs have main ideas that ultimately contribute to my argument, but there are few, if any, transitions that connect the paragraphs. Quality transitions will help improve the logical flow and clarity of how each explained topic is related, building up to the significant point. When the paragraph content jumps from the background information of the gym to my methodology and then a descriptive scene of the gym without transitions identifies that there is a lack of connectivity among the supporting evidence.

                Lastly in one of the final paragraphs before concluding the ethnography, I present the information about how the open concept of the Johnson Center facility can contribute an intimidating factor among the gym visitors. The concerns of being judged by others, comparing oneself to others based on whether he or she is good enough to attend a gym and perceptions of feeling inexperienced are likely to develop. This topic can be expanded by describing if this problem is specifically worse for one gender as well as if one gender is more concerned with this over another. I imagine this would help the main evidence highlight the psychological aspects behind the different genders.